INDIANA'S ASHES

A boy in search of his mother...

I am UTTERLY dumbfounded and flummoxed by the apparent need for this entreaty. I am flabbergasted.

My mother, Indiana, passed away 24 July 2022. I have not received any of my mother's ashes as they were promised to me despite numerous promises and requests, by and to my sisters, both verbal and written.

At the time our mother passed, my relationships with the sisters I grew up with were PARTICULARLY strained. Much of this is related to my locating and introducing our half-sister (born prior to our parents' meeting) to our mother; another major portion of this is related to my daughters.

My sisters promised that I would receive a portion of our mother's ashes at her memorial in NYC in November 2022. I did not receive any ashes; I was told I would be sent my share of our mother's ashes before the end of the year.

For Christmas, from one sister (who I'm given to understand is in possession of our mother's ashes), I received a few triflings, a quilt I made and had given to our mother, and a digital frame. No ashes.

On 11 February 2023, our mother's birthday, I became aware of a memorial for our mother being held by my sisters (and a half) on the west coast in California. I had neither been included in any planning for, nor been invited to this memorial. At the time I was still not in receipt of my portion of our mother's ashes.

In November 2023, I emailed the two sisters I grew up with a lengthy (20+ pages), somewhat stream of consciousness correspondence regarding my feelings about not being included, let alone reminded or invited, to our mother's west coast memorial held on her birthday. One responded by blocking me on Facebook. I was able to get the other on the telephone... that call did not go well.

During the call, I asked my sister what she does to advocate for me with my daughters. I lost my cool and my temper when she responded to the effect that she really couldn't advocate for me because my daughters are getting over the loss of their father (presumably me). Before ending the call abruptly, I reiterated that I was still not in possession of my share of our mother's ashes and that I expected them as soon as possible.

I tried connecting on several occasions with our half-sister between November 2023 and March 2024. I have not been successful.

On 12 August, over two years since our mother passed on, I emailed my sisters (three), my father, and “a friend,” requesting AGAIN my portion of our mother's ashes. I further requested that, if nothing else, they would let me know who attended our mother's west coast memorial and what was said regarding my absence so that I could reach out in an effort to complete my mourning process.

For a week I waited... and heard nothing.

On 19 August I emailed my sisters (three), my father, “a friend,” one sister's husband, another sister's husband, my best friend from high school, and a personal spiritual advisor. My hope was that by adding recipients, I might shame anyone into communicating with me and sending me my share of our mother's ashes. I specifically requested that, “if you can't do it, I expect to be informed so that I'm not just imagining you're being rude.” I also wrote, “EVERY ADDITIONAL DAY I have to sit here in silence is an insult to my mother's memory.”

This past Thursday, my partner shares a fear she has with me – the possibility that my sisters may not even be in possession of anything recognizably my mother's ashes anymore. I wasn't invited, and no one will tell me what happened at my mother's west coast memorial – for all we know, my sisters may've thought it was a good idea to release my portion of our mother's ashes to the winds... She also informs me that she isn't the first one to have this thought. I do not take this well.

A friend tried calling, emailing, and texting, the sisters I grew up with. My partner tried directly emailing one of the sisters I grew up with, and my half-sister. There have been no responses.

My father tried calling me last week and I got back to him yesterday with thoughts that he might be an envoy with knowledge of the whereabouts of my portion of our mother's ashes. He nattered on at me about the feelings he and my mother had concerning personnel... and I played dumbfounded because he was choosing to be obtuse. His complaint was that I shouldn't have included a particular person in the distribution list. He was just calling to touch base – he'd seen the emails, he just didn't feel the need to DO anything about them. I could have ended the call more skillfully. I did not to horribly; I have a lot of room for improvement. All I want are my mother's ashes.

As of this writing, I continue to anguish in the silence of my sisters' lack of response. I wanted to write and post Thursday; out of respect for my mother I waited for a friend to try getting any sort of response from any of my sisters... but again, there's been nothing.

My sisters will not respond to private communications from me, or people advocating on my behalf... I'm curious how they'll respond to a more public forum.

Many of you know me and my family... I have not had an easy time.

This is beyond the pale.

I have no more words... I am an empty bone.